Shmeh

I'm not normally the type to do the whole journal entry blog thing, but recently it seems i'm unable to communicate with anyone on how I'm actually feeling.

I've gotten to a point in my life where I really want things to change. Over the last couple months, i've taken progressive steps to remove the distractions that I felt were holding me back from my career and growth. From my relationship to my social life, to even my already limited downtime and creative weekend projects... I cut everything off with the understanding that I needed this if I ever wanted to go anywhere in life. Of course, this was with the assumption that it was all temporary. I tried to approach things with my eyes set on "the long haul" or a more ultimate happiness.

The funny thing is, I thought cutting out the playtime and luxuries would make my efforts that much more meaningful...now I really can't say if I'm that much better off than I was before.

Through the heartache, constant toil, stress, pressing and imaginary deadline...I find that I'm busier and more scatterbrained than ever. And while, in my head, I feel like everything i'm doing at the moment, is for my own good, everyday feels like i'm just going through the motions. I don't feel fulfilled in the least. I realize that i'm always feeling stressed and panicked, like I didn't accomplish everything I needed to. That's fine every once in a while, but i feel like this every night.

I was once told that I would never go anywhere, be stuck with a job i hate, and here at home, because I could never make my mind up about things. I've made my decisions, and now I'm so caught up in this vicious cycle i don't have time to smile. And when I do, it's rarely genuine.

I had pictures of a new dress to post, a couple videos, and a couple blogs i've been meaning to write, but days keep on slipping by and I just Don't have time. I'm starting to think, what's the point of all this when at the end of the day, i feel empty?