Empty

I just need to remember who I am. What I’m good at. What makes me come alive, what makes me smile. Why I like myself. I feel so lost and all I have are dry tears. I just feel this stifling terror and he feels so far away and getting farther away.

The secret place

The secret place is a feeling more than a place. Entrance to it comes only during the most precipitous of emotions. Perhaps a hint of nostalgia, a certain smell, a magical phrase, a lost love, similar things are keys to this place. They always come unexpected, almost uncalled for. And yet, at the same time, you realize deep in you heart that you’ve been yearning for this place, for this feeling, for longer than you can remember.

Tonight I glimpsed this place. I was reading about an actress’s mysterious sexual orientation and how she was an atheist and something about the god of gaps. Yes, I later read and relized the god of gaps was just a fallacy, but in reading it, I imagined a God of the in between. And then quick as a breath I was transported to this place. To this eternal feeling that I had been missing for so long. Tonight this place was a vision of open water in the middle of the night. Framed with green shrubbery, and adorned with stars. The moon is mirrored on the black water.

And the image still sticks with me, but the feeling fades. It is something like this though. So fleeting and yet everlasting. It was a moment when I was so grounded in the mortal and everyday, our world that is so temporary, and yet, there was this talk of a God of gaps, and children with no father, and hidden love so tangible but a mystery to the world. And then I was filled with this…feeling. A feeling I could never get tired of because it makes me feel young and yet omniscient, magical and renewed. The secret place seems much like heaven. And I remember I kept thinking, if I could spend the rest of my life writing about this secret place, keeping I alive describing it in detail, as it evolves, I would be content, I would feel fulfilled.

Sometimes I wonder whether I write because I truly enjoy writing or only because writing and art are a vehicle in which I get in touch with this feeling, with my “secret place.” I guess it could be considered a fine line between “living to write,” and “writing to live.”

Want

it is nice to know
there are things in this world
that are notwithstanding time
in spite of the material
when all falls away
there is still a glimmer
of kindred souls
like spirits
it is the most intangible
that stays resilient

when you are ugly on your face
unfamilar,
tainted by the circumstances of this world
i still recognize your wandering heart
your free spirit
the part of you that longs for something greater.

The Burn

With every high there is a low. there it was a fire burning distinctly in the dark. Even as I am far away, it still burns weakly in the darkness. My inspiration is there, so far from reality. in this default world. but i have tasted utopia, and I cannot erase the feelings, the emotions, the visions. My mind has seen the possibilities, the different worlds. so I continue to nurse the flame, the flame that haunts me, that burns so i know I'm alive.

The Burn

With every high there is a low. there it was a fire burning distinctly in the dark. Even as I am far away, it still burns weakly in the darkness. My inspiration is there, so far from reality. in this default world. but i have tasted utopia, and I cannot erase the feelings, the emotions, the visions. My mind has seen the possibilities, the different worlds. so I continue to nurse the flame, the flame that haunts me, that burns so i know I'm alive.

Post Tim Burton Ponderings

Photo courtesy of Aaron Stern

the tim burton exhibit made me think.. the best artists

aren't those that are most technically proficient..rendering

is still rendering.. until you define a style or realize an

image. that was the genius behind burton's art..it was so

realized, so complete... he had such a definite idea of what

he wanted and what he wanted to do.

I think that raelly struck a chord with me. It's the same

thing with being book smart. A lot of people can be book

smart, and yes it's admirable, but just because you are good

at something, it means nothing unless you put it to use. And

if it's not what sets you on fire, than who cares? I used

to always worry about being the best at what i did. was i

any good at this? how was i compared to others before me...

would i be a good writer..how did others succeed before me,

but i think i'm starting to see now that, whether you are

'good' or not is subjective, and also irrelevant. You don't

really choose what your passion is, it chooses you. if

you're not 'good' at it, well you do what makes you happy,

you Make it yours. It's like i see these professionals who

were destined for a high paying job, working in the industry,

and then veer off track to pursue some seemingly random

profession, like pilates or cooking that they are "okay"

at... it all makes sense now. I guess in other people's eyes,

they would think..."what a waste of a great mind, great

skills" but it means nothing to those people. Now they are

happy as a clam doing what they want to do. You make your

own heaven and hell. Ha... does this mean i'm going to quit

my job soon and run off and live like a hippie? Maybe..

Beautiful....

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/